Quotes Quote generator
Total found: 4353
Jordan Kyle Cassandra Clare
You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.
a wicked
What did you do before? I used to run a lot.Cross country? Track?From the cops, actually.
A. Lee Martinez
Judy went back to Paulie's place, but either he wasn't home or he wasn't answering his door. After banging on the door for four minutes, then waiting another ten, she decided she'd probably have to find someplace else to crash today She wished she'd taken the time to actually have a few friends.
A. Lee Martinez
When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law of 'Anomalous Phenomena Attraction.' He explained it to me once. Didn't really pay attention, but it boils down to 'weird shit pulls in more weird shit.
A.E. Kirk
Why did Nicky call me the Baby Killer? Kiara sniffled. Because she is a bitch, Leontes said. Jaeger gave him a chastising look. She's dead. Dying did not make her any less of a bitch, Leontes replied.
A.E. Kirk
Your wit never ceases to underwhelm me.
A.G. Howard
Shh. I squeeze his hand. His palm feels clammy. We have to keep it down, okay? We don't want my dad coming in.He grits his teeth against more shivers. Always knew I'd end up in your bed . . . and hear you say those words one day. He manages a smirk.Jeb snarls. Unbelievable. Even when he's at death's door he's a tool. He arranges a pillow beneath Morpheus's neck. Why don't you keep your mouth shut while we help you.Morpheus laughs weakly, his skin flashing with blue light. What say Alyssa--his breath rattles--give my mouth something else to do?
A.G. Phillips
Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod.
A.J. Jacobs
Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn't like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn't like pancakes?
Abby Slovin
The smell of burning firewood and the molding of organic, earthy substances reminded her of jumping wildly into the enormous leaf piles of autumns past and she suddenly wished that it was appropriate for someone her age to do such a thing.
Abby Slovin
Parker, I'm old, She said matter-of-factly. I get away with these things. She continued to wave and smile wildly. People treat me like an idiot so I'm allowed to act like one from time to time. It's one of the perks.
Abel Ferrara
It's funny, the hardest thing to do is to make something look like it's fast, loose and improvised, and get somebody to laugh.
Abigail Roux
What do you want, MacGuffin, a duel?No. Julian held out both hands, one palm flat, the other held over it in a fist. Rock, paper, scissors. Two out of three.Ty rolled his eyes and held out his fist, apparently willing to play. Julian hit his palm three times, and Ty kept time with his fist in the air. But when Julian threw a paper, Ty reached into his jacket with his other hand and pulled his gun, aiming it at Julian.Ty! Zane said in exasperation from the front seat.Glock, paper, scissors. I win.You are an ass, Julian muttered.
Abigail Roux
This Saturday? As in tomorrow Saturday? We have to give lectures in twelve hours? We're not prepared for that! I can't just pull a cyber-crimes lecture out of my ass! He could, but it was the principle of the thing.
Adam Carolla
Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
Adam Carolla
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?
Adam Carolla
It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.
Adam Carolla
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'
Adam Gidwitz
Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!
Adam Lambert
'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in.
Adam Rex
Polly Esther Doe was born at 8:03 a.m. on August 14.
Adam Rex
What part of Canada are you from, honey?THE LEFT PART, said Jay.
Adam Rex
Project: Potential was a separate class that the gifted students went to for an hour each day. The name was supposed to make it exciting, like Code Name: Cursive or Mission: State Capitals.
Adam Rex
This is where you all live? Asked John as they ascended the stairs. It's small.This is just our Thanksgiving house, Scott muttered. We have a house for every day of the year.
Adam Rex
Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.
Adam Rex
...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt.
Adam Rex
Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.
Adam Rex
He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.
Adam Rex
There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good.
Adam Rex
Sorry I'm late, Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late.
Adam Rex
Scottish Play Doe was born at 4:13 a.m. on September 6th. The ink was barely dry on his father's new tattoo.
Adam Rex
I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G.Sausages.
Adam Rex
Stealing is good, honest work, Said the theif, puffing out his chest. Well, not honest, strictly speaking, he admitted after a moment. Or actually good.
Adam Rex
There's a little bit of magic in every box!
Adam Rex
Can I see some ID? WE DON'T HAVE ID, said Jay, loudly. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID...THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out.
Adam Rex
They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?
Adam Rex
Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up.
Adam Rex
The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following Initiation, the 21st at the end of the Initiate's second week, and the 89th the first time he brings snacks.
Adam Sandler
Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things.
Adam Silvera
Kneel before the king, Griff. I look around for the king. Me, asshole. I'm the king. Who else would be the king? Wade?[...]On this rainy Thursday, I, King Theo of New York City, praise you, Sir Griffin of New York City, for your vast knowledge of fantasy novels Ill never take the time to read myself. And for having the kind of laugh that I like hearing so much I would punch myself over and over if you found it funny.
Adam-Troy Castro
I kicked, shouted an obscene word, got another faceful of goo for my troubles, and did the only thing left available to me. I started to laugh. This was a stupid way to die, all right. But also a god damned funny one.
Adele Rose
It was as if she was a wannabe Persian cat who had just tasted sour milk.
Adele Rose
How do you want me to give you that warning? he added, grinning. Sweat rolled down his chiselled back and he wagged his eyebrows suggestively. It comes with two settings. One that reads: 'danger
Adele Rose
Quiet, she hissed at me, her voice shockingly aggressive for such a small person. Otherwise, I'll shut you up myself.
Adele Rose
I felt like I had been run over by 'Big Bird' driving a London bus.
Adele Rose
Of course they were eaten, he retorted, his eyes flashing in cold humour. Trolls generally aren't exactly renowned for being vegetarians.
Adele Rose
Man I'm hot, I exclaimed, fanning myself. The combination of climbing out of the cave and the sun meant that I was perspiring like crazy. Why thank you, retorted Blaine, smirking. I'm pleased that my presence causes that kind of reaction.
Adele Rose
Well…it's whether you want to face certain death by taking a risk on the other route or almost certain death by scaling the walls? she replied. Therefore, for me, considering our options, it's a no brainer.
Adele Rose
Clearly, this was another thing I needed to add to the: 'repetitive cycle of things that were constantly happening in my life' list, which currently contained fainting and my ability to find trouble.
Adele Rose
I was going to become a human sand burger.
Adele Rose
How do you want me to give you that warning? he added, grinning. Sweat rolled down his chiselled back and he wagged his eyebrows suggestively. It comes with two settings. One that reads: 'danger
Adele Rose
I was just thinking that it would be nice if, for once in a while, life made things easier, I told him, feeling annoyed. Why does life have to throw impossible tasks at us all the time for crying out loud? At hearing my debate, Luna huffed.Because life's a bitch, she growled under her breath, sulking. That's why.
Adele Ashworth
I'm still furious with you, she murmured, kissing a line down his chest.Oh, God, please don't be furious, he choked out quickly. Every female I know is furious with me. Rosalyn throws tantrums, and Charlotte hasn't spoken to me or written since you left. He moved his hands to unbutton her gown. The morning I thought you'd sailed out of my life I started drinking and didn't stop until I'd finished two bottles. For three days I had a blistering headache, and Nedda couldn't for the life of her stop banging things. He groaned. And I can't even begin to tell you about your sisters.
Adele Ashworth
Caroline's lips thinned, her face flushed. My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception. She huffed with pure, disgusted outrage, lowering her gaze to the floor to murmur, I'll kill him.
Adlai E. Stevenson
It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
Agatha Christie
You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy.'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance.'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy.
Agatha Christie
Use that fluff of yours you call a brain.
Agatha Christie
Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will befall them?''Good heavens, Poirot,' I cried, 'this is a matter of life and death. What does it matter what happens to our clothes?''You have no sense of proportion Hastings. We cannot catch a train earlier than the time that it leaves, and to ruin one's clothes will not be the least helpful in preventing a murder.
Aimee Agresti
Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney, he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. You won't believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d'oeuvres within the span of a single paragraph.
Al Capone
When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.
Al Franken
WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!
Al Franken
And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that's funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there's all kinds of advantages to it.
Al Gore
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Yankovic
So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.
Al Yankovic
People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'
Alan Cumming
I come more to Scotland than I ever used to, so I feel more connected to it, more part of the zeitgeist. You know when you realize you have a choice and I'm choosing my homeland. It's funny: when you get older these things creep up to you.
Alan Ladd
It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry.
Alana Massey
I had heard of Virginia before only in passing, a crazy ex with whom things had not ended well. I was accustomed to this lazy shorthand for men who dislike the emotions of women.
Alanis Morissette
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Albert Brooks
I've been to many funerals of funny people, and they're some of the funniest days you'll ever have, because the emotions run high.
Albert Brooks
I don't want to be the one to break it to you, but the future ain't that funny.
Albert Brooks
Twitter, to me, works if you're funny. Twitter doesn't work as a promotional tool unless you do it very, very, very occasionally.
Albert Einstein
When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.
Albert Einstein
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Albert Einstein
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Alex Sanchez
Playboy stretched his arm, patting Carlos on the back. Well, you know what they say: If you love someone, let'em go. If they don't come back, hunt'em down and kill'em!
Alex Beecroft
So close now, Alec could read the make on his wetsuit, see the individual grains of sand that dustedthe black material, the drops of water trembling on the points of his hair. Now or never. But Alec couldnt,couldn't. Could he?He stood up. Stop! His mouth dried out as the surfers dark, dark green eyes looked into his, startledand curious. Suddenly he felt an absolute fool. He was inviting a good kicking, at least. But damn it, a mancouldnt always be afraid.Dont go past. Please. Sit down and drink with me. If you go past… If you go past, I think Ill die.
Alex Flinn
Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, my dear leetle mongoose. I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.
Alex Flinn
He bursts into tears, and not some manlike tears either, where you pretend you're brushing something off your face and, incidentally, wipe a tear. Nope. He starts bawling like a kid who spilled his Slushie...
Alex Gabriel
The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime
Alex Gabriel
The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime
Alex Gabriel
I saved you, Andersen said at last, slowly but firmly, like Pat was an idiot child who had to be reminded of the basic rules of the universe. To wit: Gravity exists. Time purports to flow in a linear fashion, but it's only trying to fool us. I saved you.
Alexander Theroux
Faculty Meetings are held whenever the need to show off is combinedwith the imperative of accomplishing nothing.
Alexandra Bracken
She shows up everywhere, at any time, like she can guesswhat we're going to do before we do it.The lady is good at what she does, Liam confirmed.Can you please not compliment the person trying to drag our asses back to camp?
Alexandre Dumas
My dear fellow Said Albert, turning to Franz here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take him - we bring him back to Rome , and present him to him holiness the Pope, who asks how he can repay so great a service; Then we merely ask for a cariage and a pair of horses, and we will see the Carnival in the carriage , and doubtless the Roman people will crown us at the capitol , and proclaim us, like Curtius and the veiled Horatius, the preservers of there country. Whilst Albert proposed this scheme, signor Pastrini's face assumed an expression impossible to describe.
Alexis Tiger
That spot was taken, Kara sat up to look at them. Stylized, short, black hair with bangs. Piercing blue eyes. Proper posture. Lean. It was Oliver. I don't think a bag counts as a person, he smiled down at her.
Alfred Hitchcock
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock
Puns are the highest form of literature.
Ali Shariati
Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other part of world (West) ,they are enjoying in party and drinking liquor (white liquid) but their situation is that, successful, I do not know that the problem relates to the type of liquid or the way of drinking!!
Ali Shariati
My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That's enough, I myself choose my way
Ali Sparkes
Good plan, Freddy was saying. Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething.
Alice Englert
It's a bit like school camp, shooting a film. Everyone's on heat. It's a strange energy. It's full of adrenalin. I funnel my excess energy in funny little ways. I do a lot of dancing in my trailer. I love music.
Alice Sebold
There wasn't a lot of bullshit in my heaven.
Alice Walker
Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.
Alin Sav
If God would cry, you can´t compare it to a tsunami.
Alin Sav
Wintertime is the best time of the year to get really fat.
Alin Sav
On a date, if you look more often to your phone than to your girlfriend/wife, then you have a problem... but if it is your partner who is messaging you, than you both need help.
Alison
Its Batteries! I just know it!
Alison Croggon
By the light, he said, when he had mastered himself. I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had to blow at Hulls to get rid of them. It would have saved me a few scars.
Alison Goodman
Don't say anything. Just act cool, I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver.Like this? it asked.No, I mean act calm.Mavkel stopped shivering.
Alison Goodman
And you are the girl's bitch, forever.
Alison Sweeney
It's funny because I'm a sucker for glitz and glitter when it comes to clothes and nail polish, but with my makeup, I'm more comfortable with a natural look. It feels more like me.
Alison Weir
His handsome face is suffused with rage. He stands before me shaking, then to my disgust, bursts into noisy tears; I shall tell my mother of you! he sobs and crashes out of the chamber
Ally Carter
I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.
Ally Carter
And so that means...We have to rob the Henley, Simon said.Kat sank onto a truly uncomfortable sofa. Again.
Alwyn Hamilton
I put a knife in your hand and your first instinct was to stab me.You tried to stab me first, I objected without thinking.
Alyxandra Harvey
You were at the party on Friday night, weren't you? I didn't mentioned I'd followed him into the woods.He leaned back in his chair, his legs sprawled out. His boots nudged the bottom ruffle of my skirt. Aye.Aye? Seriously? Could he be any hotter?Unless he had been looking for his girlfriend at the party.Not hot.I was supposed to meet my cousin, he elaborated, but I didn't find her,Hot again.
Alyxandra Harvey
Her eyes went so wide they nearly bulged. It was probably wrong of me to find that amusing. Or to want to take a photo of Nicholas with his fangs out and wearing a black cape lined with red satin and then hang it over my pillow in a heart-shaped frame.
Amanda Hocking
I tended to hate people that hit me in the head without warning.
Amanda Hocking
When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud.
Amanda Hocking
Just because we don't understand why they'd cover up something doesn't mean they aren't, Bobby said, and we both turned to look at him. Now you just sound paranoid, I said. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you, Bobby said with an expression so serious that I couldn't help but laugh.
Amanda Seyfried
The funny thing is, the girls that I'm always up against for roles are pretty nice and cool, like Emma Watson. She's awesome.
Amanda Stephan
I will call Guido if i need to
Amber Kizer
What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I'm dying remember? Dying people don't have time for silly moods
Amber McRee Turner
I'd never heard of a rain check before, but hoped it was something storm rescuers bought bags of souvenirs for their kids with.
Ambrose Bierce
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.
Amie Kaufman
Interviewer: So. Tell me about your mother.Ezra: You're taping this, right?Interviewer: Audio only. Camera is faulty.Ezra: Okay, well for the benefit of the sight-impaired, I am now raising my… oh, dear… yes, it's my MIDDLE finger at Mr. Postgrad here.Interviewer: Mr. Mason...Ezra: Now I'm wiggling it.Interviewer: Terminating interview at 13:58 on 03/19/75.Ezra: Look at it wiggl--audio ends-
Amit Kalantri
If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for.
Amit Kalantri
Hands can cook, hands can create, hands can kill. There is no better tool than our hands.
Amit Kalantri
You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.
Amit Kalantri
Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.
Amit Kalantri
When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.
Amrita Sarkar
Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its nice to have an overview of what it/he/she contains. - Of A Sense of Self
Amunhotep El Bey
Love is as we will it to be. ~ Amunhotep El Bey
Amunhotep El Bey
In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.
Amunhotep El Bey
Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways. ~ Amunhotep El Bey
Amunhotep El Bey
Only love will attract love.~ Amunhotep El Bey
Amy Poehler
I also think if you're an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you're just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and you can just say one funny line that's not in the commercial they think you're a genius.
Amy Poehler
Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.
Amy Poehler
However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.
Amy Schumer
Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night.. You were in the amazon rain forest yipping like a dog.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night... Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night.. You were playing with chicken livers and told me everyone was in quarantine.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the m&m's.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night.. You were balancing ten tiny footballs on your nose while dancing with a turquoise unicorn.
Amy Sommers
I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.
Amy Tan
Why would any writer in her right mind ever consider making a movie instead? That's like going from being a monk or a nun to serving as a camp counselor for hundreds of problem children.
Amy Tintera
Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish.
Ana Claudia Antunes
There are always messages, even enigmas to be searched, mysteries to be solved in all of my books. I like to puzzle readers, but I do not make so to the point of being so complex that they will lose interest in the plot. And that for me is the essence of every great literature around the world, and that's been so for ages.(....)Some were inpired by real life characters, some other books I wrote are hybrid fiction/non-fiction, so I pretty much get inspired by people who have lived, and even who are still breathing among us… so don't get discouraged if I didn't mention your personality traits yet. I might even have your name over my books, I must some day…
Ana Claudia Antunes
What did the soup say to the tea plate? You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into! I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.
Andrea Cremer
I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi's additions to my wardrobe. I quickly decided that I hated it.
Andrea Cremer
And you look beautiful, she added.I look like a cake.But a beautiful cake.
Andrew Clements
Robert said, This is great, huh? Sorry to butt in and everything, but I really need the extra points. For my grade.Ben nodded and tried to smile. Right, for his grade. He probably wanted to get an A++ in social studies instead of just an A+
Andrew Davidson
Coincidentally, a good age for a Japanese girl is younger than twenty five, because that's when she turns into a 'Christmas Cake'. Christmas cakes, as everyone knows, are desirable before the twenty fifth but afterward quickly become stale and are put on the shelf.
Andrew Hinkinson
She was my friend because she was kind and funny but she had a face like two oysters fused together in a Star Trek matter transporter accident.
Andrew Smith
Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.
Andrew Stanton
Even as a kid I was never the generator of humor, but I always knew who was funny, who to hang out with.
Andy Cohen
I love a smart, well-written show, and '30 Rock,' well, you can't get any better than that. Tina Fey poos funny. There's nothing that she does that isn't funny. That show is an example of how brilliant she is. It's so smart. They've done some brilliant commentary about the 'Housewives' with 'Queen of Jordan,' their show-within-the-show.
Andy Warhol
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?
Andy Warhol
I'm bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.
Andy Weir
I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.
Andy Weir
How did I end up in this situation? I'm the district sales manager of a napkin factor. Why is my daughter in space?
Andy Weir
Sunt cam dus pe copca.Asta e parerea mea, la care am chibzuit.Dus pe copca.
Andy Weir
Log Entry: SOL 118My conversation with NASA about the Water Reclaimer was boring and riddled with technical details. So I'll paraphrase for you:Me: This is obviously a clog. How about I take it apart and check the internal tubing?NASA: (After about 5 hours of deliberation) No. You'll fuck it up and die.So I took it apart.
Angela Kinsey
I got the wake-up call that no one is policing our oceans. I wondered, how can I do anything? What really can I do to make things better? There are some perks to being a celebrity. My job is to be funny once in a while, but it's my responsibility to make good use of it.
Angelina Jolie
I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.
Angelina Jolie
I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.
Angie Dickinson
My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Anissa Rafeh
Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.
Anita Clenney
All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.
Ann Edwards Cannon
Is it just me, or do you also think this is unnatural behavior in a female parent? Isn't there a federal law that says mothers are not allowed to laugh at vulnerable male children when they are required to wear stupid clothing to work?There should be.
Ann Edwards Cannon
Tom Cruise isn't that big of a guy, my mom always says. I love how she tries to avoid using the word short.Yeah, I tell her in return, but he compensates by being Tom Cruise.Not that anyone really wants to BE Tom Cruise anymore now that he's a crazy couch jumper. But whatever.
Ann Romney
That's why I like to get out there, and get people to see the other side of Mitt, and know us in a different reflection when you see the family and how funny he is with the boys and with the grandkids. And you know, just what a super guy he is. That's part of what I am doing, is letting people see the other side of Mitt.
Anna Held
My little dog, he did not get ill. It is so funny that people get ill on a boat and dogs do not.
Anna Torv
I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, 'Oh, no, I'm joking, I'm joking.'
Anna Torv
Everybody's funny if you love them.
Anna White
Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.
Anne Bishop
The Dimwit's Guide to the Female Mind might assist your efforts in understanding human females. But it must be pointed out that this subject can be a dangerous adventure and should be undertaken with extreme caution. After all, human males have been trying to understand their females for generations, and most of the time they come away from these encounters looking like someone stuck their tails into an electric socket.
Anne Carson
What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.
Anne Fortier
But he is an Italian, was Umberto's sensible reply. He doesn't care if you break some law a little bit, as long as you wear beautiful shoes. Are you wearing beautiful shoes? Are you wearing the shoes I gave you?...principessa?I looked down at my flip-flops. I guess I'm toast.
Anne Gracie
What the dev
Anne Gracie
What the dev
Anne Gracie
What the dev
Anne Lamott
I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I'm annoying, and a phony.
Anne Rice
...what was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn't remember what you did, and then somebody shot you.
Anne Stuart
I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you'd realized that by now.
Anne Stuart
After all, if spinster chaperons required their own spinster chaperons there simply wouldn't be enough to go around.
Annie Fellows Johnston
The world looks very different to me now at twenty. I have outgrown my early opinions and ideals with my short dresses, just as Mrs. Walton said we would. Now the critics can say 'Thou waitest till thy woman's fingers wrought the best that lay within thy woman's heart.
Annie Leibovitz
No one ever thought Clint Eastwood was funny, but he was.
Annoying Orange
You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud
Annoying Orange
Uh- you shouldn't mock orange if I were you - Why not?*everyone sings* He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you*orange starts singing*Hey buddy bannanaYou live in a habanayou small like a cabanabut sdon't worry it's gonna be great somedayReally?Orange: Nope..Not really*Everyone sings*He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you.
Anonymous
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Anthony Ryan
Power comes at a price, love, Veliss replied through bared teeth, maintaining the smile she offered to the townsfolk lining the square.What power?All power. The power to rule, to kill, or, in your case this fine morning, the power to incite the lust of the old goat you're about to meet.Lust? I have no desire to incite lust in anyone.Veliss turned to her with a quizzical expression, her smile suddenly genuine. Then I'm afraid you're in for a lifetime of disappointment.
Anthony Ryan
Thirty-four, still undecided on a name, sat practicing his Realm tongue with Draker, although much of the lesson seemed to consist of the correct use of profanity. No, the big man shook his shaggy head. Pig-fucker not fuck-pigger.
Anthony Anderson
I'm not a comedian. I'm an actor who just happens to be funny on occasion.
Anthony Anderson
I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.
Anthony Anderson
It's sort of an action flick. You can't be that funny trying to steal diamonds.
Anthony Holden
What was funny if you were there is that we were all immensely sophisticated people who knew exactly what she was going to say and we're chatting away, nice to see you.
Anthony Horowitz
She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible.
Anthony Horowitz
Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.
Anthony Powell
Feeling unable to maintain this detachment of attitude towards human- and, in especial, matrimonial- affairs, I asked whether it was not true that she had married Bob Duport. She nodded; not exactly conveying, it seemed to me, that by some happy chance their union had introduced her to an unexpected terrestrial paradise.
Anthony T. Hincks
It's funny how things work out.Trouble is, I'm still not laughing.
Anthony T. Hincks
Comedians can turn laughter into tears and back again.